Tag Archives: i am bad at blogging

A bit of a problem

I have talked a lot about my mental health on this blog, and on the internet in general. Usually, I talk about things that feel really important, the worst times, stigma, whether it’s even comfortable calling the way my brain works an illness. This post is harder because it doesn’t feel so immediate and huge. I don’t know how to write about the periods when I know I’m not doing well, but only vaguely. It seems too small to write about.

I’m still eating. I don’t cry. I shower and get dressed. But there are the little symptoms, the ones that aren’t so bad until you put them all together and realise you’ve built a nice little box to hide in. Oh, and also you forgot to add hinges so if you change your mind about hiding you’re going to have to find an axe or a lighter or something and smash and burn your way out of it.

I never want to wake up. Not in the dramatic way that implies death without actually trying to die. More in a “I could be awake and write things and practice cello and live my life, or I could just sleep more and that would be easier.” I’m not even tired most of the time when I sleep, I’d just rather not have anything to do with the world.

I don’t really want to talk to people. Holding conversations has been the worst lately, even with people I really like. When my phone buzzes that someone has messaged me on Facebook, I look but don’t click through because I don’t want the read receipt to come up. If Facebook doesn’t tell the person I’ve read their message, I have plausible deniability if I wait a day or a week or a month to get back to people.

I have been out of onions for a week because going to the shop is hard. I have never been out of onions for this long. It’s terrible.

The only people I see in person right now are the people I am actively dating, because they will suggest things and because I really like cuddles. Responding to messages is easier when there is the possibility of cuddles. I’m sorry to all of the people who I’ve been more sporadic with. I still love you, even though there aren’t cuddles.

I haven’t been doing any of my creative work, or preparations for coursework in this coming semester. And this is really the point of this blog post, to tell you that I haven’t been posting anything or updating my band page or whatever because I am not doing well. It’s not an emergency, but if someone could post me a match, that’d be great, thanks.


My Brain is Broken. Or, Why I Have Disappeared Lately.

If you’ve read any of this blog, you probably know that my brain is out to get me. I’ve spoken a lot about bipolar disorder, but over the past couple of months, anxiety has made it nearly impossible for me to leave the house. I manage to get to official things, like meetings with teachers and work, but unscheduled but necessary things, such as returning library books, remain undone. I went to one social event, and I was struggling not to have a panic attack the entire way there. When I say that I hate people, I’m usually thinking of the times when just being within five feet of someone makes me want to hide. The thing is, while I don’t get that feeling around online encounters, I feel so drained that I disappear. I don’t respond to emails for months, I weasel out of instant messaging,* I don’t update my blog. And then the depression side of my bipolar kicks in and tells me that I’m worthless, that I can’t take care of myself, that I’m a terrible friend, and what am I thinking pretending I have a band?

My brain is a jerk.

I’m doing my best to pull myself together over here. Thanks for bearing with me.

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*”What do you want? Gah, just leave me alone to hide in my log!” http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7249/8157682031_d7eaecbaeb_z.jpg


Be jealous, I get to go to a concert

I seem to have gotten worse at getting these done without a clear idea of what I’m writing beforehand. The thirty minutes to post idea worked well for that, but I don’t like the idea of doing it with a timer anymore. I kept having to start it again and figure out the negative time I had left. Instead of doing that, I’m just going to ramble. I’m pretty sure if I let myself skip a whole week my blog will die, and apparently some people like my blog.

I’ve been pretty bad at working on my music for the past week or so. I keep opening it up and just staring at it for hours before closing it again. I’m worried that because of the lost time, my goal will be impossible. Unless…what if I really embrace the assignment aspect and pull all-nighters? I’m sure that would lead to some interesting/trippy/stupid lyrics.

In other news, I have tickets to see The Fratellis in September and I’m super-excited. I wasn’t even expecting them to get back together, let alone to be able see them if they did. So for the past couple of days I’ve just been listening to their albums and, when no one else is in the house, dancing to it. I almost never dance, and I look really stupid doing it, so I need to make sure no one else will see. This weekend will be dangerous though. I have a friend here who wants to catch me in the act.

And, for the most important news, 39 days, 15 hours, and 37 minutes until I’m back in the UK.