So for this blog entry I will share a list that I’ve made of horrible, horrible song lyrics that I have heard. Some were from the radio, some were from my own iTunes library, some were suggested by people I know. But for you, dear blog reader(hopefully you exist), I have googled the artist names of all of them. Also, if you’ve heard any, feel free to send them to me, and I’ll post them.
I love you terribly I swear that this is true
But I just can’t stop my hands from smothering you – Nightmare of You
Nightmare of You is one of those guilty pleasure bands. ALL of their songs are like this, but they’re just so catchy! They even had this one song, where I swear they got to the bridge and thought, “Hey these lyrics almost make sense, we better fix this!”
You’ve got a monster in your parasol – Queens of the Stone Age
Okay, so I actually love Queens of the Stone Age, but this line raises too many questions. What kind of monster? How does it fit? If it’s under the parasol because it doesn’t like the sun, I hope it’s not a lace parasol. Who still uses a parasol, anyways(other than you, Alison)? Okay, one of those wasn’t a question.
On my honeymoon I want to be where you are – The Ames Brothers
I don’t think this marriage is going to last.
Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
In fact it’s cold as hell
And there’s no one there to raise them
If you did – Elton John
We only really needed the first line to get your point. Actually, I’m not sure we even needed that.
You are a genie and all I ask is a smile each time I rub the lamp – Phoebe Snow
I suspect the word lamp was used to make this song fit for radio.
My heart couldn’t take no more of you – Keyshia Cole
This is a song that is on here out of spite. I hate, hate, hate this song, it was on the radio everywhere for ages, and it uses bad grammar.
I would like a place I could call my own
Have a conversation on the telephone – New Order
I’m sure you do, but was it worth writing a song about?
There’s a danger in loving somebody too much
And it’s sad when you know it’s your heart you can’t trust – Patti Smith
There are so many heart attack jokes I could make here, but I like to pretend that I wouldn’t make Emily Post squirm. This is another song that is on here out of spite.
My heart begins to hum
Dum de dum de dum dum dum – George and Ira Gershwin
For all of you who protest that George was the brother with talent, I say he should have found a better lyricist.
Those who are dead are not dead
They’re just living in my head – Coldplay
This takes the whole “They’re not dead if you remember them” line, raises it to Sixth Sense levels, and adds a straightjacket.
Christmas comes this time each year – The Beach Boys
Unlike the others, this line is not on here to be mocked, but admired. The studio demanded they write a Christmas song, they didn’t want to, wrote this, and now this song plays on the radio every winter.
I was stealing kisses from a boy
Now I’m begging affection from a man – Faith Hill
From pedophile to stalker in .2 seconds.
I want to reach out and grab ya – The Steve Miller Band
There is so much wrong with this line…
You give me puppies, puppies
In my heart
Sad, sad puppies
Whenever we’re apart – J Bigga
A college friend showed me the music video for this song. I still have not forgiven her for the mental scarring.
He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star – Taylor Swift
First of all, someone should take away her guitar before it gets hopelessly damaged. Second, do not use the verb again as an adjective in the same line. There are so many words out there, give them all a chance! And the final fail: it is NARM. (Yes, I am a troper, however did you guess?)
Take off that dress and i’ll wear you like a hood – Fionn Regan
This line is pure WTF. Really, Fionn, you should know better.
And now that I have ripped on all of these fine, successful artists, I will allow you to rip on me. Here are some lyrics that I wrote in high school with Patrick Merrill, Sarah Walker, and Micael Pochat. We wrote them one line at a time. I have music to go along with it somewhere.
A million miles away, I am lost inside my head
My body floats in space, the world is turning
All my synapses burning
My amish friend dropped my lightsaber down thither
It cut cut off my hand so slowly turning
Ah my mangled arm so damaged
Even more than Vader could have managed
I am falling, falling
Great times compared to Tatooine
I did not time this blog post.