I have talked a lot about my mental health on this blog, and on the internet in general. Usually, I talk about things that feel really important, the worst times, stigma, whether it’s even comfortable calling the way my brain works an illness. This post is harder because it doesn’t feel so immediate and huge. I don’t know how to write about the periods when I know I’m not doing well, but only vaguely. It seems too small to write about.
I’m still eating. I don’t cry. I shower and get dressed. But there are the little symptoms, the ones that aren’t so bad until you put them all together and realise you’ve built a nice little box to hide in. Oh, and also you forgot to add hinges so if you change your mind about hiding you’re going to have to find an axe or a lighter or something and smash and burn your way out of it.
I never want to wake up. Not in the dramatic way that implies death without actually trying to die. More in a “I could be awake and write things and practice cello and live my life, or I could just sleep more and that would be easier.” I’m not even tired most of the time when I sleep, I’d just rather not have anything to do with the world.
I don’t really want to talk to people. Holding conversations has been the worst lately, even with people I really like. When my phone buzzes that someone has messaged me on Facebook, I look but don’t click through because I don’t want the read receipt to come up. If Facebook doesn’t tell the person I’ve read their message, I have plausible deniability if I wait a day or a week or a month to get back to people.
I have been out of onions for a week because going to the shop is hard. I have never been out of onions for this long. It’s terrible.
The only people I see in person right now are the people I am actively dating, because they will suggest things and because I really like cuddles. Responding to messages is easier when there is the possibility of cuddles. I’m sorry to all of the people who I’ve been more sporadic with. I still love you, even though there aren’t cuddles.
I haven’t been doing any of my creative work, or preparations for coursework in this coming semester. And this is really the point of this blog post, to tell you that I haven’t been posting anything or updating my band page or whatever because I am not doing well. It’s not an emergency, but if someone could post me a match, that’d be great, thanks.